bryna, barry b. benson, aaron burr, jar jar binks, and clippy

(1) I put some people in an elevator. (2) They're going to have some problems. (3) There will be a reading quiz on this in the near future. (4) Oh, and Bryna! (5) You're in this too! (6) Say hi to your mother for me!


Ding! 
Barry B. Benson, star of the animated movie Bee Movie, checked his watch as the elevator gradually came to a halt. The watch was adorned with black and yellow stripes, just like his sweater. In fact, everything about Barry was black and yellow. I could possibly even venture as far as to say that he bled black and yellow stripes, except it's common knowledge that bees bleed honey.
"Oooh! Wesa gettin' anodder passenger!" Jar Jar Binks exclaimed. (Yes, Jar Jar Binks is in this elevator, too. In case you aren't familiar with this particular specimen, Jar Jar Binks is a very unpopular character from Star Wars.) Jar Jar Binks, unlike Barry B. Benson, did not bleed honey. Nobody knows what Jar Jar bleeds. Why don't we kill him to find out? It's for science, I swear!
The man in the corner of the elevator rolled his eyes at the alien's enthusiasm.
"And to think I expressed doubt that this machinery could hold even one more simpleton! Surely we'll collapse under the weight of another passenger."
"Aaron Burr! The elevator isn't that crowded. You'll be to your floor within five minutes, I promise," Bryna told the man. She turned towards the sleek elevator doors, beaming and ready to welcome the next passenger, who happened to be Nicolas Cage.
"Hello, all," Cage greeted everyone in the elevator. Just then, he spotted Barry B. Benson, adjusting his cute little striped sweater in the mirrored walls of the elevator. Cage froze - and then ran out of the elevator and back down the hall.
"OH GOD NOT THE BEES"
His screaming echoed down the corridor, through the opened doors of the elevator.
"I see you're trying to run away from a threat. Need any help with that?" Clippy chirped.
"No, Clippy! Nobody needs your help!" Bryna said, pressing the button that would close the elevator doors. In response, the elevator gave a mechanical hum and started upwards once again.
"Oh, gee, I feel bad. I didn't mean for that guy to run away like that. I mean, really. What's his beesiness?" Barry said, to nobody in particular.
"Enough! Inserting 'bee' into every word that you speak does not make you clever, you foolish bug!" Aaron Burr yelled. He turned to glare at Barry, who began to buzz and shake his stinger precariously.
"Uh-oh! Wesa in danga now! Yousa make da bumble bee muy muy angry! Meesa geddin' berry scared!" Jar Jar fretted, distancing himself from Barry's rear end.
"Barry! Please! Put that away!" Bryna scolded.
"No- don't! I prefer a true duel to all of this talk. Conversation is meaningless! Prove your bravery in a fight to the death, bee!" Aaron Burr challenged, drawing a pistol from his pocket.
Upon seeing the weapon, Jar Jar shrieked and ran about the confined space of the elevator. Clippy sat smiling dumbly into space, awaiting a request for assistance. Bryna backed away from Aaron Burr, keeping her eyes on his gun. Barry gave a ferocious buzz and lunged forward, brandishing his stinger menacingly.

At this moment, the elevator came to a sudden stop. Everyone stood, motionless and momentarily stunned into silence.

"Well, why have we stopped?" Burr demanded. He turned towards Bryna, still carrying his weapon in his hand.
"Eek! Point that thing somewhere else!" Bryna screeched. She ducked and covered like that turtle in that video that one time in American Studies. She's quite the sensible Bryna.
"No worries! Meesa fix dis!" Jar Jar said, trying to locate the elevator's controls. He couldn't really make anything of it, except he did notice a large red button that looked like it wouldn't be pressed under normal circumstances. The ever-ambitious Jar Jar pressed the button, and an alarm sounded throughout the entire building.
"Are you insane?! Oh no! Oh no! Now you've done it! I gotta get back to my hive! I can't believe you pressed the button! It's red! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO PRESS RED BUTTONS!" Barry yelled, sounding a lot like a stressed Jerry Seinfeld.
"OH NO!" Jar Jar howled. He continued wailing OH NO over and over again, his voice gradually increasing in pitch until Aaron Burr shot him with a loud BANG. Jar Jar collapsed on the ground, giving one last final twitch before he became still.
Bryna, still huddled in a ball, whimpered at the harsh noise and began to rock back and forth nervously.
"Now, wait a second, buddy! You can't just DO that!" Barry declared, turning on Aaron Burr.
"I am NOT your buddy, BEE!" Aaron Burr roared, pointing his gun towards Barry.
"I see you're trying to have a duel! Need assistance?" Clippy chimed in.
"No Clippy no no no no no!" Bryna squealed.
"I shall take care of this pest myself, paper clip. Huzzah!" Aaron Burr exclaimed. He punctuated the "huzzah!" by shooting the mirror on the wall of the elevator. The mirror shattered, showering Barry with broken glass. The bee fell to the floor, severely injured and disoriented.
At this display of insect cruelty, Bryna stood up. She grabbed Clippy and twisted him around, fashioning him into a crude sword. She did not realize that this would kill Clippy. Unfortunately, it did. Poor Clippy.
With a great intake of breath, plucky young Bryna summoned her courage and ran the point of sword-Clippy through Aaron Burr's heart. He gave a shuddering gasp and dropped his gun, falling to the floor next to Jar Jar and the still-shaking Barry.
As soon as Aaron Burr died, the elevator started again. Stoic Bryna stood in the middle of the elevator, still gripping Clippy's dead body as the elevator moved towards the next floor. The doors opened- and there stood Nicolas Cage.
Bryna dropped Clippy and walked through the elevator doors. Nicolas Cage turned and stared at her as she walked away. He then turned back towards the elevator, shrugged, and stepped inside. Hey, a guy's got to get to the next floor somehow.
FIN


And now a reading quiz!

1. In paragraph 1 sentence 6, the phrase "Say hi to your mother for me" best refers to:
    a) the author expressing her great desire for Bryna to say hi to her mother  
    b) the author demonstrating her close relationship with Bryna
    c) the theme of illusion vs. reality, because Bryna will never actually say hi to her mother for the author
    d) a reference to a Saturday Night Live clip in which Andy Samberg talks to animals as Mark Wahlberg

2. What does Nicolas Cage's NOT entering the elevator symbolize?
    a) the author's fondness for the actor
    b) disappointment, because as the reader, you really wanted to see Nicolas Cage trapped in an elevator
    c) an excuse for the author to make a poorly-executed reference to another piece of work
    d) a situation in which Cage is introduced as a character foil to Bryna

3. What do bees bleed?
    a) a black-and-yellow-striped substance
    b) honey
    c) blood
    d) sweat and tears

4. What was the author's intent in writing this piece?
    a) to obtain a passing grade in a class for school
    b) to illustrate the ills of society
    c) to bring about awareness to cruelty against bees
    d) to make it clear that everything is NOT honey

5. What would the author of passage 2 say about the first passage?
    a) there is no passage 2! this question doesn't make sense
    b) good effort. nice try. maybe next time.
    c) fun and failure both start out the same way! this passage, though entertaining, is not successful
    d) passage 2's author would write SEE ME in red pen on the top of this passage